Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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