I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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