so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
