i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
