Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
