If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
