Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
