The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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