so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
