fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
