After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
