I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
