yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
