At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
