Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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