On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
