Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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