sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
