you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Randomize
