I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
