everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
