i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
