It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
