I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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