did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
