the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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