I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
