I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
