I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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