There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize