im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
