I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
