Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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