So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
