Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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