i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
