i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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