Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
