I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
