:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
