God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
