My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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