I think i peed on brittanys purse
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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