the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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