I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
