Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
