Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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