I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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