xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
