you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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