Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
