he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
