i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
