You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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