if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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