She went from zero to smokin in five shots
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
