Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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