he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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