you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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