my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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