If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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