Sry I called you an 8
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I love having hate sex.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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