I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
